Mark went home to Heaven Thursday at 5:30pm.
Yes, it’s taken me a couple days to manage to write this down.
I’d started several times, does that count?
I just couldn’t quite get the words right, to match how I feel. But my good ol pal, Tess, wrote what I’d been feeling and after reading her post, it freed up the “juices” that I needed to get going in order to write my own.
I don’t have questions. And that right there is a hard thing to explain. I don’t feel that that means I trust God more than those who do have questions. No, I have lots of areas of mistrust in my relationship with Christ. Maybe it’s because I’ve already had to deal with similar situations already in my life (nope, you won’t find ’em here on my blog yet). I don’t know. But I KNOW God has reasons, probably hundreds of reasons, and they all have names. I KNOW that God knew the number of Mark’s very breaths… both voluntary and involuntary… He knew the number of Christmas’ and Birthdays Mark would share with his precious son… He knew the number of anniversaries Mark and Angie would share, including the final one that Angie would celebrate in the hospital by blessing otherICU families in the name of the love that she and Mark share(d)…. God KNOWS everything and He orchestrated it from before the world was created. And He loves Mark, Angie and Nolan more than the rest of us, collectively, ever could.
Mark is free. Mark is hiking the glorious hills of Heaven with no physical pain or suffering. No human limitations or needs. He’s scoping out the romantic spots he’ll want to bring Angie when she joins him. He’s making notes of all the awesome “guy” things he can show and teach Nolan. And he’s in the amazing presence of his Father. His mind is being blown right now with the realization and instant understanding of all the facts about God. Facts that the rest of us are still struggling to comprehend or are even aware of here on earth.
What I struggle with, is the sense of loss and devastation for Angie and Nolan. I can’t help but look at my own family and realize how robbed (from a human perspective) Angie and Nolan are. I worry about the months of lonely, heartbreaking nights head for Angie and the struggles Nolan faces as he tries to grasp the loss of his father. I worry because I know that what it all boils down to, is the fact that there is little that we can do for either of them in these areas. Oh, we can meet physical needs like no-body’s business. We have, we are and we will. And in those small ways, some comfort will be gleaned by Angie and Nolan. But the real hurt, the real loneliness, that can only be touched and eased by our Heavenly Father.
I know He has been holding them close this whole time. I know He will continue. And I know He will bless Angie with the strength she needs, when she needs it and not a moment too soon or too late.
I also know that I will strive to never, ever, take my children or my husband for granted. I will take more pictures. I will create more memories.
No one, NO ONE, is promised tomorrow.
So each day, as I pray for Angie and Nolan in their new life… as they try to establish a new sense of normal in spite of their grief and loss, I will be thankful for that day that I have been blessed with.